4th June 2013

So this evening I went back to the doctors and found out exactly what was going on.   Previously I was told that maybe I would have a cancer called her2 positive which means that it is slightly more aggressive.  My doctor said that this was unlikely and that I would have my lumpectomy first and then chemo.

Well that did not happen.  I am her2 positive so I will have chemo first.  In my head I had all my dates worked out and that I had time to find a wig, cut my hair, get used to the fact that i'm gonna look weak and ill for a few months but now it has all changed.

To make it worse I will be put on a drug called herceptin and another called tamoxifen which I could(worse case) take up to 10 years!!  It will kick start my menopause and weight gain.  Oh good, it has taken me how long to get to my ideal weight and now I may become fat!!  As vain as it sounds, fat and bald is never a good look!  No offense to those who are!

I was naive to think that poof....I will have my treatments and that would be it.

It is a lot to take in.  This past week I have been good.  I even found a man that will help me get a wig, it was all very exciting.  He works at Leo Bancroft and deals with wigs as part of his job.  I got my head around losing my hair and being bald.  I will just wear massive earrings.  I even had my hair cut today. It is short, well not for normal people but for me it is, and actually I quite like it.  But now everything has been brought forward, I need time to adjust.

Thank goodness for Spain!! Marbella will be a life saver because I will get some sun, enjoy myself and get my strength up to fight 'Clive'.

I did cry tonight, only because I was not expecting to have to take so many pills afterwards.  It is one thing I did not really take into consideration.

I feel deflated and a little sad but like my mum said at least it is happening through the summer months and not winter.

She was awfully embarrassed tonight.  I asked if I could keep my acrylic nails on and have spray tans.  Both yes by the way, just be careful.  I can't help it, I need to know so I can prepare myself for the shit that I am about to embark on.

For now though I am thinking of my holiday.  I fly tomorrow and I am going to have the best time.  I will not forget what is happening to me but a little sunshine and some eye candy is a definite distraction!!

When I return I will grab this bastard clive with both hands and give it a massive kick in the balls!!!!  Nothing will keep me from living, that I am sure of.