17th June 2013

So just another quick one from Spain. I have 5 days left in this beautiful country and I have decided that after my treatment I'm gonna have a holiday here and perhaps stay a little longer maybe 6 months or so. 

The less time I have left the more scared I have become. The reality is slowly sinking in and fear is somehow taking over my body. 

I have dreamt every night about wearing head scarves! How I will look bald. I have this huge fear of putting on a huge amount of weight! All extra pressure of an already huge amount,  pressing down upon me!! 

It's funny when faced with a disgusting illness as Clive, death is not my main concern. There is a huge amount of strength within me that has enabled me to disconnect with that word and focus my attention to other things like becoming fat and looking like humpty dumpty!! 

You may laugh but it is really bothering me! 

The other thing that is truly bothering me is the fear that after this whole ordeal, I may not have children or meet Prince Charming! My focus on holiday has deserted the usual jealousy of girls with amazing bodies chatting up the 'fit' men and moved towards the families. Women with children running around the pool hopelessly in love with there mini me's. 

 I met a guy yesterday in passing, we had a brief chat, and in that, maybe 10 minutes I had established that he was perhaps the man of my dreams! 

Unfortunately there was a massive decline in confidence and giving him my number was completely out of the question. ( what would have been the point?) It saddens me that I may never get the chance to find true love. I'd like to hope I do but right now my heart is telling me a different story. 

Que sera sera as they say, a motto I keep too all my adult life. 

My oncologist appointment is on the 25th of June so I will be told when my chemotherapy starts. What drugs I will be on and what side effects to look out for. I'm guessing treatment will start the week after but I'll keep you all posted. 

To those that won't see me till after treatment starts, no starring please! Yea I will be wearing a wig or a wonderful fashion head piece but I will still be me, minus my fabulous eyelashes and eyebrows!! But I refuse to be anything but myself the whole way through! 

Xx