5th December 2013

Sitting in the doctors surgery hearing them say Clive has completely gone should have made me jump for joy. I should have been smiling the entire day.  Don't get me wrong I was very happy but there was still something missing.

It was as if I felt like I needed to be happier. An anti climax if you like. The trouble is he has still left scarring and a lot of pain. Pain I didn't think I could feel. 

I'm not talking about the scars on the outside. They will heal and fade till I forget they were ever there. 

It's the scars on the inside that will take slightly longer to heal. Literally!! Both the physical aspect and my own scars that have built up over time. 

I had all my lymph nodes removed so now where the surgeon has operated, my tissue has hardened, making my arm sensitive, painful and numb. Weird to explain! It's the underneath, you know, where us girls like to call bingo wings! It's completely tightened.  And I constantly feel as if I am carrying a brick in my arm pit!  

I can only reach to shoulder height. I need to reach higher. My breast care nurse told me that my arm needs to have full mobility before I start radiotherapy. 

So I did what she said and started to massage under my arm and in my arm pit.  I started to stretch my arm up to the ceiling. I couldn't do it.  I tried but the pain was too much to bare.  I felt queezy and faint and eventually started to cry. 

Why am I crying? I don't know. My arm will get better, I know it will but I'm tired of Clive. I'm tired of trying to beat him. Clearly I'm winning so why am I still trying to compete! 

My arm and the pain are just another reminder that he will never go away. He will fade along with my scars but not completely. He will never leave me completely. 

I will also have to always watch my arm for infection, cuts, swelling etc. Forever!

The other worry is my fertility. I may not have a man in my life now but I will and to have a family is my dream like most women. I never knew how much I wanted children until the possibility of not being able too scared me! 

Surely Clive can't take away everything. 

On the plus side and we all know I like a silver lining,  (I can not possibly be this sad without knowing that there is always hope), is that over time I will get stronger physically and mentally. Clive's presence like any ex will become an irrelevant noise and memory. I will laugh at how stupid I was and remind myself with my scars that I am stronger now than I ever was. That to me is the greatest gift I will have and the greatest power I will own.  

Until that day when I wake up and I don't feel the pain anymore or the worry, I will keep my head up high and keep surviving.  That is what we all are doing I suppose.   

I will start 5 weeks of radiotherapy after Christmas and the dreaded tamoxifen. 

I hear so many bad stories and a few good about tamoxifen. The worst is weight gain! Vain I know but you all know me by now so no shocker there! Maybe I will be a lucky one. 

I did talk to my oncologist about children. He reassured me that when the time is right and my fertility has not been robbed I will be able to come off tamoxifen and have a family. 

I joked 'with or without a man'!!  He asked the dreaded question, 'why are you single Alex?'  My reply was 'I wasted too much time on the wrong men and never enough time loving the right men.'

Not anymore.  Life is happening. I'm not waiting for the right time any more with anything.... The right time could have been yesterday.  Plus let's face it I'm not getting any younger! God I never thought I would say that at 31!! 

My positivity has not gone. I haven't given up hope. It is still lingering in the background.   I know I will make a full recovery, but as I am starting to see the light I am becoming slightly fearful.  I am becoming irritable and emotional.  I have forgotten who I was before Clive.  She has disappeared and I fear gone forever.

Maybe it's just time for a break.  A christmas break.

Maybe, just maybe it really is time to cry. And not be ashamed of being vulnerable. 

We all need a break sometimes and I'm knackered! 

Xx