I have not had such a hard year since, well I can't remember when! This has been both emotionally and physically draining and like I said in my last blog, I am so very tired.
I have remained positive throughout this whole process and it has become my full time job! Sometimes you have to take a step back and just breathe. I need to, one day take in the whole process and actually smile at how far I have come. I have not yet been able to do this but I really hope I will be able to soon.
I have not missed Clive at all. It is a strange feeling to know that he is no longer around. But I still hold a rather scared feeling that he is hiding behind something ready to pop out at any moment.
I have been reluctant to really breath in fear that it is not quite over. It is a funny feeling when you are so near the end and you can see the light but there is still such a long road ahead. I'm still clambering my way through the darkness but my eyes are opening slowly.
Like you all know my radiotherapy starts on the 2nd January and I cannot wait. I cannot wait to have normality back in my life. I went to see my work colleagues today and it made me so excited to get back to work. I want to be me again, just Alex Corker again, not Alex Corker cancer patient. I never liked that title and so I will be happy to return it although the sadness that thousands of women will have that tag attached to them in the future makes me very anxious.
For now though I must be selfish and just think about myself.
I am not going to be afraid to smile on Christmas day. On this day I will literally forget, maybe with the help of lots of bubbles. (Whatever helps) To look around me and feel blessed at what I have achieved. And to be thankful to know that I have had so many wonderful people that have literally been behind me ready to catch me when I fall has been a life saver.
I want all my loved ones to take a step back too. I want us all to just relax. I am vary aware at how draining this year has been for all those around me. I feel as if they all need a much needed break too.
For new year I am planning on having a few drinks and a dance with my best friend Charlotte and a couple of others. I thought about boycotting it but then I realised that I needed to celebrate the end of it. Saying goodbye to this year will help me to release a lot of anger that I think I have held in.
I am going to start the next year off with a bang. And as I have hit rock bottom there is only one way up and I am going to enjoy the new journey.
I still don't recognise the girl standing in front of me. The old me has long gone. I don't think she will be returning any time soon but will I miss her? That will only be answered when this whole process is over. For now I cannot even mourn her, I cannot shed a tear for her. I will just enjoy the moment with whoever this new person is and think about her next year.
Just before I go and get ready for a much needed break (emotional break!) I wanted to tell you all that I have started to write a book. It is loosely based on my blogs but a more in depth version. It is what I would like to call a self help book. It is my story with tips and strategies on how to remain calm and positive throughout this process. It is not only for cancer suffers but for anyone who needs a bit of extra strength and hope. Like I always say, if you can beat the hardest challenge of your life, life does become that little bit easier.
When it is available I will let you all know,(that is if you all want to read it!)
To all my beautiful friends and amazing family and loyal readers for whom have kept reading and supporting from afar I wish you all a very merry Christmas.
I will speak to you all again n the new year. Bring on 2014!!
Love to you all
xx
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