14th December 2013…..

Things have been better since the last time I wrote.  I think apart of me was having a downer and allowing myself to have one.

We all need a moan occasionally to get it out of our system.  I have cried and I have wiped away my tears.  Don't get me wrong, I am sure there will be more days like that to come but for now I feel okish.

I have had my CT scan to help determine my radiotherapy.  Now that is a story!

I never knew that radiotherapy was personal to that specific person.  I thought it was just a standard procedure.  How wrong I was.  They gave me a CT scan to evaluate where the tumour was and to accurately zap that location and any breast tissue surrounding where Clive had been so they can completely evaporate him forever.(we hope)

So I am waiting to go in.  My makeup looks awful, my hair is a mess and I am sitting in a hospital gown.  Not looking my best lets just say.  Then I hear a voice, this deep husky accented voice call my name.  I get up and standing before me is a vision!  Great is all I could think.  I look like shit and I have finally seen a cute doctor/radiologist/scanner man, whatever he was.

I couldn't look at him directly because I kept giggling.  I thought that he was just showing me to where I had to be and that would be it.  Oh no, he was the one to place me on the machine, undress me, lay me down and then continue to draw on my boobs!!  To make matters worse, I had my massive ugg boots on, just to make me look clumpy and the piste de resistance was that I hadn't shaved under my arms!  Only because of where my surgery was I can not yet shave.  Mortified is an understatement.  I could do nothing but laugh, to which he then laughed and asked what was so funny!  I could hardly say 'well you are totally gorgeous and I need lipgloss to make me look a little better, oh and sorry I haven't shaved!'

Sometimes having not so cute doctors is the way forward.  This whole ER/Greys Anatomy fantasy we all have blows out the window when it actually happens and you are lying there helpless and feeling like a complete prat.  There was no way to recuperate from this situation.  Ten minutes felt like forever.

But after all that, I was given a start date for my treatment.  I was put forward for a trial where they only give you treatment to the exact place where the tumour had been and they leave any good tissue alone.  I however am not eligible for this trial as my surgeon did not put 'clips' to mark where my tumour had been and so they could not accurately get a good enough reading.

So I will have 4 1/2 weeks of radiotherapy starting on the 2nd January.  Happy New Year to me.

It is a good start I guess, and like I said from the beginning.  By the time I am 32(I can not believe that is my age)  I will be Clive free and ready to start 2014 with a smile on my face and my health which I will never take for granted again!

I am excited and nervous.  Like I have said before the thought of just being better and the doctors saying, 'ok your done' is very daunting.  They will never say I am healed as there will always be that worry that clive will come back and that will scare me for the rest of my life but as I always say, live in the moment, not for tomorrow nor for yesterday just for now so that is what I intend to do.

I am slowly starting to learn how to style my hair.  I have almost had to change my whole appearance to look like I 'own' this hair style.  It's a work in progress but it is growing and that is a start.  My lashes are taking longer and this is irritating.  More than the hair actually as now I just look like I have this haircut, where as the lashes need to come to help accentuate my eyes.  I have everything I need to help them grow, serum, revitalise, you name it I have it so fingers crossed I just wake up one day and poof they will appear.

I have had no side effects to tamoxifen as yet, but it has only been a week so we'll see!

I am looking forward to Christmas.  I am looking forward to really celebrating and spending time with my family, friends and generally resting and taking time off.  I am not working as my arm is still healing and radio is happening so soon but I will as soon as I can, so for now the enjoyment of doing nothing is lovely.

All in all on the outside I am healing nicely.  To anyone walking along next to me would never ever know I was a cancer patient.  They do not see what I see.  And I am glad.

On the inside, I am still healing.  Like I said this will take longer.  I wish I could explain how I feel but I can't and at the same time I am glad, for I would never want anyone to truly understand because they would have to go through this first.  So I sit quietly and try to heal in private.

As long as the outside looks ok, the inside will soon follow.

xx