20th December 2013

I can't believe that Christmas is only 5 days away. What a year it has been.  As I wrap my presents and get ready for this festive period I have to reflect on what has been a very hard year for most of us.

I have not had such a hard year since, well I can't remember when!  This has been both emotionally and physically draining and like I said in my last blog, I am so very tired.

I have remained positive throughout this whole process and it has become my full time job!  Sometimes you have to take a step back and just breathe. I need to, one day take in the whole process and actually smile at how far I have come.  I have not yet been able to do this but I really hope I will be able to soon.

I have not missed Clive at all.  It is a strange feeling to know that he is no longer around. But I still hold a rather scared feeling that he is hiding behind something ready to pop out at any moment.

I have been reluctant to really breath in fear that it is not quite over.  It is a funny feeling when you are so near the end and you can see the light but there is still such a long road ahead.  I'm still clambering my way through the darkness but my eyes are opening slowly.

Like you all know my radiotherapy starts on the 2nd January and I cannot wait.  I cannot wait to have normality back in my life.  I went to see my work colleagues today and it made me so excited to get back to work.  I want to be me again, just Alex Corker again, not Alex Corker cancer patient.  I never liked that title and so I will be happy to return it although the sadness that thousands of women will have that tag attached to them in the future makes me very anxious.

For now though I must be selfish and just think about myself.

I am not going to be afraid to smile on Christmas day.  On this day I will literally forget, maybe with the help of lots of bubbles.  (Whatever helps)  To look around me and feel blessed at what I have achieved.  And to be thankful to know that I have had so many wonderful people that have literally been behind me ready to catch me when I fall has been a life saver.

I want all my loved ones to take a step back too.  I want us all to just relax.  I am vary aware at how draining this year has been for all those around me.  I feel as if they all need a much needed break too.

For new year I am planning on having a few drinks and a dance with my best friend Charlotte and a couple of others.  I thought about boycotting it but then I realised that I needed to celebrate the end of it.  Saying goodbye to this year will help me to release a lot of anger that I think I have held in. 

I am going to start the next year off with a bang.  And as I have hit rock bottom there is only one way up and I am going to enjoy the new journey.

I still don't recognise the girl standing in front of me.  The old me has long gone.  I don't think she will be returning any time soon but will I miss her?  That will only be answered when this whole process is over.  For now I cannot even mourn her, I cannot shed a tear for her.  I will just enjoy the moment with whoever this new person is and think about her next year.

Just before I go and get ready for a much needed break (emotional break!) I wanted to tell you all that I have started to write a book.  It is loosely based on my blogs but a more in depth version.  It is what I would like to call a self help book.  It is my story with tips and strategies on how to remain calm and positive throughout this process. It is not only for cancer suffers but for anyone who needs a bit of extra strength and hope.  Like I always say, if you can beat the hardest challenge of your life, life does become that little bit easier.

When it is available I will let you all know,(that is if you all want to read it!)

To all my beautiful friends and amazing family and loyal readers for whom have kept reading and supporting from afar I wish you all a very merry Christmas.

I will speak to you all again n the new year.  Bring on 2014!!

Love to you all

xx

14th December 2013…..

Things have been better since the last time I wrote.  I think apart of me was having a downer and allowing myself to have one.

We all need a moan occasionally to get it out of our system.  I have cried and I have wiped away my tears.  Don't get me wrong, I am sure there will be more days like that to come but for now I feel okish.

I have had my CT scan to help determine my radiotherapy.  Now that is a story!

I never knew that radiotherapy was personal to that specific person.  I thought it was just a standard procedure.  How wrong I was.  They gave me a CT scan to evaluate where the tumour was and to accurately zap that location and any breast tissue surrounding where Clive had been so they can completely evaporate him forever.(we hope)

So I am waiting to go in.  My makeup looks awful, my hair is a mess and I am sitting in a hospital gown.  Not looking my best lets just say.  Then I hear a voice, this deep husky accented voice call my name.  I get up and standing before me is a vision!  Great is all I could think.  I look like shit and I have finally seen a cute doctor/radiologist/scanner man, whatever he was.

I couldn't look at him directly because I kept giggling.  I thought that he was just showing me to where I had to be and that would be it.  Oh no, he was the one to place me on the machine, undress me, lay me down and then continue to draw on my boobs!!  To make matters worse, I had my massive ugg boots on, just to make me look clumpy and the piste de resistance was that I hadn't shaved under my arms!  Only because of where my surgery was I can not yet shave.  Mortified is an understatement.  I could do nothing but laugh, to which he then laughed and asked what was so funny!  I could hardly say 'well you are totally gorgeous and I need lipgloss to make me look a little better, oh and sorry I haven't shaved!'

Sometimes having not so cute doctors is the way forward.  This whole ER/Greys Anatomy fantasy we all have blows out the window when it actually happens and you are lying there helpless and feeling like a complete prat.  There was no way to recuperate from this situation.  Ten minutes felt like forever.

But after all that, I was given a start date for my treatment.  I was put forward for a trial where they only give you treatment to the exact place where the tumour had been and they leave any good tissue alone.  I however am not eligible for this trial as my surgeon did not put 'clips' to mark where my tumour had been and so they could not accurately get a good enough reading.

So I will have 4 1/2 weeks of radiotherapy starting on the 2nd January.  Happy New Year to me.

It is a good start I guess, and like I said from the beginning.  By the time I am 32(I can not believe that is my age)  I will be Clive free and ready to start 2014 with a smile on my face and my health which I will never take for granted again!

I am excited and nervous.  Like I have said before the thought of just being better and the doctors saying, 'ok your done' is very daunting.  They will never say I am healed as there will always be that worry that clive will come back and that will scare me for the rest of my life but as I always say, live in the moment, not for tomorrow nor for yesterday just for now so that is what I intend to do.

I am slowly starting to learn how to style my hair.  I have almost had to change my whole appearance to look like I 'own' this hair style.  It's a work in progress but it is growing and that is a start.  My lashes are taking longer and this is irritating.  More than the hair actually as now I just look like I have this haircut, where as the lashes need to come to help accentuate my eyes.  I have everything I need to help them grow, serum, revitalise, you name it I have it so fingers crossed I just wake up one day and poof they will appear.

I have had no side effects to tamoxifen as yet, but it has only been a week so we'll see!

I am looking forward to Christmas.  I am looking forward to really celebrating and spending time with my family, friends and generally resting and taking time off.  I am not working as my arm is still healing and radio is happening so soon but I will as soon as I can, so for now the enjoyment of doing nothing is lovely.

All in all on the outside I am healing nicely.  To anyone walking along next to me would never ever know I was a cancer patient.  They do not see what I see.  And I am glad.

On the inside, I am still healing.  Like I said this will take longer.  I wish I could explain how I feel but I can't and at the same time I am glad, for I would never want anyone to truly understand because they would have to go through this first.  So I sit quietly and try to heal in private.

As long as the outside looks ok, the inside will soon follow.

xx

5th December 2013

Sitting in the doctors surgery hearing them say Clive has completely gone should have made me jump for joy. I should have been smiling the entire day.  Don't get me wrong I was very happy but there was still something missing.

It was as if I felt like I needed to be happier. An anti climax if you like. The trouble is he has still left scarring and a lot of pain. Pain I didn't think I could feel. 

I'm not talking about the scars on the outside. They will heal and fade till I forget they were ever there. 

It's the scars on the inside that will take slightly longer to heal. Literally!! Both the physical aspect and my own scars that have built up over time. 

I had all my lymph nodes removed so now where the surgeon has operated, my tissue has hardened, making my arm sensitive, painful and numb. Weird to explain! It's the underneath, you know, where us girls like to call bingo wings! It's completely tightened.  And I constantly feel as if I am carrying a brick in my arm pit!  

I can only reach to shoulder height. I need to reach higher. My breast care nurse told me that my arm needs to have full mobility before I start radiotherapy. 

So I did what she said and started to massage under my arm and in my arm pit.  I started to stretch my arm up to the ceiling. I couldn't do it.  I tried but the pain was too much to bare.  I felt queezy and faint and eventually started to cry. 

Why am I crying? I don't know. My arm will get better, I know it will but I'm tired of Clive. I'm tired of trying to beat him. Clearly I'm winning so why am I still trying to compete! 

My arm and the pain are just another reminder that he will never go away. He will fade along with my scars but not completely. He will never leave me completely. 

I will also have to always watch my arm for infection, cuts, swelling etc. Forever!

The other worry is my fertility. I may not have a man in my life now but I will and to have a family is my dream like most women. I never knew how much I wanted children until the possibility of not being able too scared me! 

Surely Clive can't take away everything. 

On the plus side and we all know I like a silver lining,  (I can not possibly be this sad without knowing that there is always hope), is that over time I will get stronger physically and mentally. Clive's presence like any ex will become an irrelevant noise and memory. I will laugh at how stupid I was and remind myself with my scars that I am stronger now than I ever was. That to me is the greatest gift I will have and the greatest power I will own.  

Until that day when I wake up and I don't feel the pain anymore or the worry, I will keep my head up high and keep surviving.  That is what we all are doing I suppose.   

I will start 5 weeks of radiotherapy after Christmas and the dreaded tamoxifen. 

I hear so many bad stories and a few good about tamoxifen. The worst is weight gain! Vain I know but you all know me by now so no shocker there! Maybe I will be a lucky one. 

I did talk to my oncologist about children. He reassured me that when the time is right and my fertility has not been robbed I will be able to come off tamoxifen and have a family. 

I joked 'with or without a man'!!  He asked the dreaded question, 'why are you single Alex?'  My reply was 'I wasted too much time on the wrong men and never enough time loving the right men.'

Not anymore.  Life is happening. I'm not waiting for the right time any more with anything.... The right time could have been yesterday.  Plus let's face it I'm not getting any younger! God I never thought I would say that at 31!! 

My positivity has not gone. I haven't given up hope. It is still lingering in the background.   I know I will make a full recovery, but as I am starting to see the light I am becoming slightly fearful.  I am becoming irritable and emotional.  I have forgotten who I was before Clive.  She has disappeared and I fear gone forever.

Maybe it's just time for a break.  A christmas break.

Maybe, just maybe it really is time to cry. And not be ashamed of being vulnerable. 

We all need a break sometimes and I'm knackered! 

Xx