6th October 2013

I've forgotten what I look like with hair! I know that's strange because I have had hair all my life and I look at pictures all the time but I just can't picture it in my head. 

I look in the mirror and I look different. I can't explain it. I am the same person, I act the same, feel the same (although slightly more knackered) and everything about me is the same. But things have changed. 

I didn't want them too but inevitably things had too and I knew eventually I would be caught in the tide. 

It is the hair that changes everything. I miss it. I touched on the subject last blog but it's getting too me. I know it's silly. 

Day to day it's ok, I can deal with the scarves. I do like them. It's when I get ready to go out. I do my makeup, and that's it! There is no hair to roller, to curl and to volumise. I feel half done. Again if I wear my wig it's good but just a scarf. It doesn't quite have that va va voom! 

I stare at myself desperate to see the old me. The girl with the big blonde hair. I can't find her. She hasn't disappeared completely, I know she's in there, but she's lost her way. It's like she's taken the longer route down the yellow brick road! 

All roads inevitably end up at the same destination. Hopefully the Wizard will give me myself back soon enough. 

You would think that with everything going on, I would be focusing on getting better. That's what I hear often. If I moan about something or want something I'm told to just focus on getting better. 

I do you see, but as fate will have it, it's in his hands. I am doing all I can, there is nothing more I can do. So focusing on other things is the only way to get me through. I will not dwell.  I have turned off my emotions button. 

I have had to block it out so much that I have no feeling about it. My 'illness'. How do I focus on getting better when I can't and won't think about it. 

On my good days I feel like I can pretend. I can put on my happy Alex face and all is well. 

The emotions will come back, maybe the wizard will be kind and let everything go back to normal. 

That is until I'm sat at the doctors and reminded again. I am having an ultrasound tomorrow and then a meeting with the surgeon Wednesday. 

Let's see just how strong Clive is now. I'm hoping he has shriffled into a tiny pin, quivering and ready to give up. 

Knowing him he's holding on in there. But I'm definitely giving him a good fight. 

Xx