1st October........JUST ONE MORE TO GO!!!!!!!!!

Hasn't it come around fast?

It has finally arrived when I can see my last chemo in my sights.  It is in the diary.  The 17th October 2013.

To be honest I have had it in there for a while, but to actually know that it will happen is a big deal to me.  The next big hurdle will of course be the operation.

I know, I know i'm jumping the gun, I always do!  It seems that I have become very impatient.  Who am I kidding?  I have always been the girl that makes her mind up about something and will not rest until it happens.

Unfortunately this has been a long process and one I can not completely control.

My last chemo again was a success.  I was not nearly as bad as the previous one.  No sickness this time, just complete and utter exhaustion.  It is really hard to explain unless you are going through it.  To really try and give people a true picture.  It is a feeling that I do not wish on my worst enemy.

That feeling of pure weakness.  I felt like a frail old lady with weltered skin and a grey complexion.  Walking up the stairs feels like the biggest chore.  On Sunday and Monday I spent the days in bed, drinking water and eating!  Just to get a leg out of bed was the hardest thing to do.  My skin was so sensitive to touch, it almost felt cold every time I moved.  Even sitting in the bath hurt my body!

My head was pounding so much to the point where at five in the morning I reached for the pain killers.

Oh and the joys of hot flushes!!  I'm so pleased they have arrived.  All in all, not a pleasant experience but again not nearly as bad as before so there is a silver lining.

I got up and dressed today and walked into town.  I needed the air, and not being able to go to the gym is very hard for me.  I keeps me sane, and fit!  I did not anticipate walking back up the hill with three bags of food, oh and a baby!  I had to stop nearly six times to catch my breath.  Even my nephew at one point stared at me with these confused eyes.  The tiredness is so draining.

Soon enough it will all be over and I will continue with the next hurdle.  That is how I see them, hurdles that I have to jump one at a time.

I have my first appointment with the surgeon next week.  I have an ultrasound first to determine if the chemo is doing what it should.  It better be!  I do not think my body can stand much more.

By the end of this treatment I will be on my arse being dragged across the floor.

Hopefully after the appointment she (yes my surgeon is a woman, yay) will give me a date in the diary for my lumpectomy.

Clive will soon be out.  He is terribly annoying and I do need him to just piss off now.

I am scared.  What if?  That is the worst phrase ever conjured up by anyone.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I have to go through it all again?

I can't think like that but sometimes fear does kick in.  Only occasionally when i'm awake, sweating like a fifty year old menopausal lady, do I think about the what if's?

Being positive 24/7 has become a full time job, but one I think I am getting rather good at!

Right now I guess I can only think of the near future.  That my chemotherapy is working, (fingers crossed.)  If its not what the hell is it doing?

That Clive will be gone soon enough and I will have my life back.

I want my life back.  I want my hair back, I want my bottom lashes back.  Leg hair you can stay away though.

I want it all back.. All that Clive has ripped apart, I want back.  And I will not stop fighting until I do.

xx