23rd October... The start of something normal

I'm lying on my couch thinking about how I'm never going to feel the pain of side effects of chemotherapy again!

It's a lovely feeling. But what now? 

Stupid question to some, but those reading this going through treatment will get it or soon will.

The worst is over wouldn't you agree? Everything can go back to normal. 

Although there is so much good happening I still feel so impatient.

Please let me be clear.  I am happy.  Very happy that this part of my life has come to an end.  But on my glorious journey down the yellow brick road I have hit the cross roads.

Clive is still here. He's still in me, haunting me, making me question everything I do. I still can't have a simple thing as a massage without a doctors note! 

It's a very controlling relationship this one! 

In my mind I wanted my life back the minute chemo was over. All of a sudden my hair would grow long again. My eyelashes would come back and I would feel like me again. But why would I feel like me with hair and eyelashes? I don't understand why I feel like that. I haven't changed.  I know there's more too it,  I'm just not sure what it is yet. Or maybe I do and I am not ready to admit it.

Somehow I feel as though if I can control the physical appearance,  the emotional side effects will be easier to deal with.  Maybe it is the lack of control in so many ways that frustrates me. 

Yesterday I stared at myself in the mirror. Really stared. I haven't slept. Not properly slept in about 2 months. I have broken sleep. I wake up around 3 and can't go back. For the last 3 nights I literally have not had a wink of sleep. I get so hot then cold then hot. Really these hot flushes are so much fun! 

I looked at myself and just thought... Oh my god. I looked awful. Simply awful. I'm pale(and believe me I'm never pale) gaunt and so tired. In fact I looked grey! It wasn't a nice sight. It's the end result of a very long and painful three months. 

My sister tells me I look good. I know she's lying. I laugh and joke and say that in a years time she'll tell me the truth and that I really did look like crap! 

The grey complexion is really not helping. No amount of make up can get rid of it! The dark circles under the eyes that are so sunken nothing can get rid. You know girls... The time when you can apply and apply and apply make up and it just doesn't do anything but mix with your complexion. Whatever grey and nude makes, that's the colour. It's not an easy colour to name! 

Maybe tea bags and cucumber could be the next thing to put on my to do list! And a hell of a lot of sleeping tablets!! Herbal just don't cut the mustard. 

I keep getting hair envy. Everywhere I turn there are girls with beautiful hair and I'm jealous. Considering I'm probably going to grow a mullet I should be! 

I'm gonna wear my wig more. I love hats. Hats with no hair makes me look ill! Hats with hair, good look! And when my hair is long enough I will have extensions put in. Until then I will keep measuring it and buying any shampoo that has the potential to make it grow.

I have 5 weeks until my operation to remove Clive. Who knows what will grow in 5 weeks. A lot I would think. 

In 5 weeks I will have a better colour. It'll be a fake one mind you. A spray tan does wonders to the skin and believe me, I'll be having a few!! Its great to live with someone who can literally drip feed me tan!

The sleep, maybe not so great.  There is something on my mind.  I know it.

As for the emotional side.  Lets just deal with one thing at a time.  Its like a puzzle I guess, little by little.

I guess I won't know anything until I finally reach Oz and ask the wizard. 

Xx