6th April 2014 my final post

It's been a long time since I wrote. I'm sorry for this but in a way that's a good thing. You see I have been living. I have not had a reason to write to you all. Or maybe I just never knew what I wanted to say. I went to the computer so many times but I wasn't ready to say goodbye but now I am. 

It's been nearly one year since I found out that Clive would be joining my life and I cannot believe how quickly the time has gone. 

It has taken me a long time to accept myself. To look in the mirror and not hate my reflection. I have had to adjust to being a new person. The old Alex has gone. She is never coming back. The new girl is slightly stronger, less afraid of life and a little bit harder.  I am no longer afraid to take chances. What's the worst that can happen really? All these things will be a constant reminder of how far I have come on this very long and painful journey. I am a survivor and I will continue to be in everything I do. 

I was always honest when writing this blog but now as I think about the summer, the treatments, hairloss, ect my heart skips a beat because it has only just dawned on me just how painful this experience has been. It plays on my mind that I will always live with the fear that Clive may return but I also know that I can't let him ruin my future. He has already dictated so much of my past. 

I have such admiration for anyone fighting this disease. Whenever I hear of someone about to face it my heart stops just for a second. 

I never allowed myself to really think about what I was going through. I knew that if I did I wouldn't have coped very well. Now I can. Now Clive has gone I can take a step back and breath. Sometimes I cry but I don't know why I'm crying. I have no explanation. 

I am hoping that my charity will help others going through this disease and turn all the negativity into hope and inspiration for them. I needed to do something to help others. I knew that my life would never be the same. I couldn't just walk away. It would always follow me. 

And so with all this in mind I have decided that this will be my last post. There is no need to keep you all updated. I am living. I am alive and I'm free. For now this is all I have ever wanted. To be normal again. They say normal is boring. To me it is simply wonderful. 

Thank you for all the support. For reading and for actually giving a damn about my little life. Let's hope my book is as successful! That's if I get a chance to finish it!

Xx