6th November 2013 getting there

I had my first hair appointment in nearly 4 months! Oh how I missed it. For me going to the hairdressers was a day out. I would sit and drink coffee, read magazines and generally relax whilst I was made to look better again. It usually took around 4 hours in total. 

This trip was a lot shorter. My hairdresser trimmed my Peter Pan/mullet into a chiq crop then died it a darker shade of brunette. I wanted to go back to my 'original' colour but it was not meant to be. Not yet anyway. 

It took 45 minutes to achieve this look. It was also £100 cheaper!! See there is always a silver lining! 

I look at myself in the mirror and I still don't recognise this girl staring back at me but I'm starting to like her. It takes a while to get used too. Hair completely changes all aspects of you with out ever realising. 

I don't know who to be, what makeup to wear. Someone said to me it was very Parisian and very Chanel. (How do they act?) 

That did cheer me up. Apparently I do have a face for short hair! Again we'll see in a years time what people really thought. 

In my head when I talk to people I still have my blonde hair. I imagine it is tied up on top of my head, as I can't feel it. It is only when I get a glimpse of my reflection that for a split second I ask who that girl is. 

Anyone who has lost their hair will understand this.

As for the rest of me. Well for the time being I look like an ordinary girl. Not a 'cancer' patient. Since I ditched the scarves I just look like a girl with very short fair. Funny, I have had a few more looks than normal. People are now judging the haircut. Probably wondering why anyone would cut their hair this way.

I want to shout at them, 'I have cancer' but I can't. It is almost like I need a reason for it. Even though I don't look like a cancer sufferer at all, I feel like that is my new identity and people need to know. 

It has taught me not to judge. Everyone has a story. No matter what someone changes about themselves sometimes it's not a choice and if it is then great. We are only humans experimenting with life. 

I haven't cried since my midnight outburst. I haven't really had time! 

This Friday is my charities first event to raise money and awareness for younger women with breast cancer. 

Henrietta, Charlotte, Katie, Katie and myself started up be bald be beautiful. Not forgetting Timmy and Nat(although living in LA she has been there in spirit) This charity is to help and encourage beauty from the inside out. To make young girls still feel gorgeous with or without hair. Our aim eventually will be to open a spa for cancer sufferers to be pampered and made to feel special. 

We have over 200 people coming to Wentworth golf club to help us raise money but to also celebrate life. It is a special occasion and I want everyone to enjoy it. Including us lot. Stressed or not! 

So like I said, through all the anger, hurt, pain, frustration and lack of control there are always positives. This ball is our positive. It will be the event if the year! (I like to think big) 

So with all this going on, plus I have been working a lot, I am simply me again. For the time being anyway. Clive has shrunk so much that I have stopped thinking about him. 

My operation will clear him out for good. 

Once he has gone, and I have had radiotherapy and I'm all clear. Well that will be a different story and maybe harder than I realise. 

Let's just focus on the now. For now I'm happy. 

Xx