Sunday, 4 August 2013

4th August 2013

So I'm very nearly half way through treatment and feeling pretty good.  Like I had said in my previous blog that I had very tired days with sickness.
Well everyone came over that Sunday and it was like my sickness had just vanished.  I managed to stay up all night without having a quick siesta between courses and even had a glass of wine!
Go crazy Alex!!

It seems that my body has three days where it allows me to be weak and ill and tired and then it snaps me out of it and makes me get up and carry on. It is like a really bad hangover.  You know, those crazy nights where you drink far too many jagerbombs because it's a really good idea at the time, followed by heaps of sambucca and you get home at five in the morning hammered and laughing.  Then you wake up in your pit the next morning saying you'll never drink again. All of a sudden you wake up a couple of days later, (a word to you young girls watch out, hangovers last a lot longer in your 30's than in your 20's!) feeling fine and you are ready to do it all over again.  That is how this is and to be honest I've had enough hangovers to know how to handle them.

Obviously now, as I have shaved my head I am wearing head scarves in public, which I may add I am quite enjoying.  I can mix and match the colours and styles and almost have a new hair do every day.

Having no hair is much more versatile than I realised.  I can have a different style depending on how I am feeling.  Although anyone who thinks having no hair is cheap think again!  I have become even more high maintenance since shaving my head!
My wig man wants me to die my hair peroxide, which I will but not till my chemo is over just incase I dye it and it all falls out!  I do not need a peroxide head.

It is very strange being in my mind right now.  I still have my eyelashes, eyebrows, all my body hair(I thought there were some perks but I am still shaving my legs!)  In fact the only thing missing is a full head of hair and even that has not completely fallen out.  It has actually grown which means the cold cap so far has been very successful.  I mean I'm not talking lashings of locks but a couple of centimetres.  I wear my scarves because I want to, not for necessity.  I do feel sometimes that I should look a certain way?  I should look ill right?

But what does an ill person look like?

This was the problem I had at the very start of diagnosis.  This was what frightened me the most. That I would lose myself.  That I would look ill and pale and have no hair and walk around looking like a 'cancer' patient.   That I would forget who I was and be a constant reminder when I looked in the mirror that it wasn't my reflection anymore but that of a weak girl, losing her fight with life.
But it hasn't happened.  Nothing that I feared has happened.  Even when I stare at my reflection all I see is me staring back, with slightly less hair and higher cheekbones!

I'm still me, I still wear my full make up, my sister is still spray tanning me, I am still going out, working, seeing my friends.  The only thing that is different is that Clive is hanging around.  And I am feeling slightly guilty or slightly concerned that I shouldn't feel this good.  Are the doctors giving me enough drugs? 
My sister said she thinks I am made of steel.  It must be my mothers genes.  My grandmother had cancer and after an operation at the age of 80 years old,  she woke up,  ripped out her tubes and insisted she went home.  I must take after her. 

Yesterday I went to a friends engagement party.  I got dolled up, put on my wig, I call her Tallulah although I should just call her barbie as she is very blonde and off I went to celebrate.  I had a couple of drinks, messed around with my friends, took stupid pictures and then at 1.30 am I decided I had had enough and I drove everyone home.

My life has not changed at all.  In fact it may be better.  Maybe because it has opened my eyes to all the wonderful people in my life and it had made me realise even more, that I cherish my family and friends so much.

All we did last night was laugh.  Laugh and take pictures.  A great night in my book! I am hoping that this is my good karma.  That the universe has dealt me this bad hand and as a reward for coping it is allowing me not to suffer? 

(A few pictures, you get the idea of the evening with my crazy friends!)

Or maybe I am being daft and the next time I write I will look terrible, feel terrible and want to curl up in a ball and hide!

Who knows, but for now I am enjoying not being too ill and loving my life as a 'normal' person. Well as normal as one can be.  Normal is such a funny word, I have lost all meaning to it. 

My next chemotherapy is on the 14th August.  I do hope  I recover quickly as I have a busy weekend with two birthday parties to attend.  It's all go. 

Clive is trying to slow me down but I will not let him win.


  1. My beautiful wife Michelle just recently finished her chemo as she battled cancer for the second time in her young life. Her strength and courage has been inspiring beyond anything I imagined possible. Here are three of my blog posts about that.

    1. I have read your beautiful words. We all go through different emotions during these difficult times, my emotions are everywhere. I am just trying so hard to be me.

      I wish her so much hope and love and I pray that she makes a full recovery and lives the rest of her life with peace xx

  2. <3 looking fab missy!!!x

  3. Hi Alex,

    I think the last time we saw eachother was probably Year 10 at the Marist...blimey, many years have past!

    I just wanted to write and say how incredible it is to read about your story. My sister was pregnant when she was diagnosed with breast cancer three years ago, she also did the cold cap treatment, and it worked really well for her. She was 36 when she was diagnosed and I am happy to say she is happy and healthy and has two gorgeous little boys. I decided to go back to uni and study medicine, I am about to go into my fourth year. Its interesting (and weird) to learn about cancer in both a medical and personal way; there are so many more important things to know that they just don't teach doctors....that's what I've discovered.

    Its only through sharing experiences like this that you can really begin to understand the true impact of it all.

    Your last posting was my favourite, because you are so right..even though the situation is totally shit, its amazing how many people REALLY do care and REALLY do love really is the silver lining to that annoying little black cloud.

    It was Steve Savage who told SJ who told me about your blog...(oh the great Berkshire Grape Vine!!)..I shall remain a very keen follower.

    Wishing you all the very best!


    1. Hello stranger, so pleased to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.
      I'm so pleased that your sister has made a full recovery. Always nice to hear :-)
      Its no problem who told you. I made the decision to put it out there so people are going to talk.
      Well done for going back to uni to study medicine. I have so much respect for doctors, nurses, specialists. All of you, I take my hat off. Without you lot I wouldn't have much luck!!

      You are right as your sister probably already knows that this whole experience just makes you even more aware of those around you. I have been blessed with some of the most amazing people and they give me strength when mine is a little low!

      As I say there is always a silver lining to everything that happens. I have started a charity called be bald be beautiful to help raise awareness for young women and breast cancer. Hopefully in the long run I will help to lower the screening age to 40 rather than 50. I like to aim high lol. Have a look on fb. facebook/bebaldbebeautiful and share if you can. It all helps. Its scary how many young girls are getting it! Somehow I hope cancer may be the making of me!!

      Anyway im rambling! I hope professional and personal life is all good and thank you again for contacting me.

      Take care

  4. Hey Alex, glad to see your fighting well - I will keep RTing ya, have to say I think your probably a very resiliant personl, who's learning each day how tough you are. Keep Going and keep partying
    Tom G

    1. Thanks Tom, i think I am very reiliant yes. I hope it stays that way!

  5. Dear Alexa I just stumbled across your blog and wanted to know if you have watched "Forks over Knives" I hopoe it might be helpful to you. You are strong and inspirational x

    1. Hello, no I have not but I googled it last night after receiving this message. I will try and see if I can get it from somewhere. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I do hope you continue to follow my journey xx


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