10th September 2013.....the truck has arrived

Docetaxol you are the devil.....

I was going to leave this update a bit longer but then I thought, why?  You want to hear my story so here it is, all of it.

I write this from my bedroom, where I have been cooped up since Saturday night.  I have been horizontal for so long I am now on a slight wonk!

The truck arrived at full speed ahead.  When they tell you 'it's like a truck' oh boy do they mean it.  It literally means exactly what it says on the tin!

I should be pleased.  No lying ey?  Well 'Clive' is driving that truck so fast he is hitting me, then reversing, then hitting me again.  I can see him laughing.  Laughing at my pain, the bastartd.

He knows this is hurting.  The fec was just too easy he thought.  I let him have his laugh and this evening i'd had enough.  Time to stop wallowing.  He will not win.

So how am I actually feeling?  Well combine the worst food poisoning, fill the bowl with the flu mixed with the worst heart burn and exhaustion just for good measure.  Mix it together and that it a tiny bit of how I am.

I have not eaten in 3 days apart from some  Jewish chicken soup which was made for me by Sarah. Their penicillin as they like to call it.  It really works.

On the plus side, (there always has to be one)  I am thinner.  I know, I know its not the be all and end all but a girls gotta feel good about something.  And yes I am aware that when I breath again I will put the weight back on but let me revel, just for the night.

All in all I have never been so ill.  I was scared to admit this at first.  I still, in my mind wanted people to think wow how strong, how well i'm coping but then, why would I lie?  I will have good days and bad days and these are my bad days.

All I can say is thank god for a spray tan!!  My friend came over and laughed at how well I looked.  It's the tan.  It works wonders.  Although I think in a years time they will all say to me, by the way you really did look like shit!!  I'll cope.  I look in the mirror everyday. I'm not stupid.

I am still not upset or low.  I am still in good spirits.  I'm just bored of feeling like death.  (maybe not death, wrong thing to say) but you get it.

My strength is knowing that even though right now 'Clive' thinks he's winning, I know he is not.  He is a bully, trying to push me down, but I told you all,  he picked the wrong girl.

My friends have been amazing.  I have had messages everyday from so many people just wishing me well.  That is my strength.

I am on so many pills that if you turned me upside down I would rattle.  Do not put me through an xray right now, I do not look good.  They better be doing something right.

I have the pleasure of an injection once a day in the fat of my stomach.  Thank god for the love handles.    It is to boost my white blood count.  I let my sister loose with the needle.  It is a scary process letting her jab me.  I'd better not piss her off!  It really is a mind field of all the pills and fluids that goes into making me better

I really should look at the labels before putting stuff in my body but right now even lifting my finger hurts.  I did not even know that I had any feeling in my finger tips.  Well I do.  I have feeling on the bloody hair on my arms!!

So as I have felt so awful I decided, as any girl does, to shop.  So I have booked a holiday to Dublin, tickets to see Miss Saigon and I have purchased a new Jimmy Choo handbag off my friend.  All in all a very expensive day but hey I've gotta smile through the pain somehow.

Me.....a shopaholic?  No, just expensive taste.  'Clive" hasn't really changed me.

xx