25th August 2013

So last night I went out on the town with my friends, had loads of champagne and shots and got home at 5 this morning...hanging!!

Wait a minute, no I didn't, thats just how I am feeling!!

Sometimes I think I'm invincible. That my body can survive anything. Then something happens and it brings me back down to earth.

I went to London yesterday day. Trains and tubes then walking around in the rain was not a great idea! 

It has been 11 days since my 3rd chemo and I still don't feel right, but I want to believe I am. London was lovely but I got home and I thought I'd caught a fever! I had the hottest bath, wrapped myself up in a fur blanket and watched television. I went to bed worried that I had made myself ill and I would end up in hospital.

I knew I had pushed myself a little too far but I tend to ignore the angel and listen to the devil. (yes they are still on my shoulder and will be for the duration of my treatment.)

I eventually fell asleep after I'd prayed to him upstairs and asked to be ok. Tears fell, I couldn't stop them.  

He answered my prayer. I woke up feeling better. Not 100% but better. The moral to my story? Stop thinking I can do everything. 

I've never been a great ill person. I pretend I'm not, pop a lemsip into a cup and I'm on my way. To be this vulnerable is not good for me. It makes me feel weak. Weakness is not in my vocabulary.  It is hard to take a step back and actually say to myself... stop. I'm not saying stop everything but I have to remember that I need to take time out for me and not feel that I will let people down if I can't make something. I have the rest of my life to be social!! Being tired also makes me emotional.  Strength is only good when I am feeling good.  When my guard is down I tend to collapse and the tears just fall.  I thought they had dried up to be honest but they haven't.  It is actually a relief to know I still have an emotion.  Sometimes I worry that I have suppressed my feelings so much that they will never come back.  The tears let me know I am still human and I do need a shoulder occasionally.  That shoulder is my mother.  The strongest most wonderful woman I know.

I am also worried about the next 3 chemotherapy sessions as they will be a lot tougher so I have been told.  Like I said in my last post I am also preparing to lose my eyebrows and lashes. I look healthy at the moment. Soon I shall look like a boiled egg.  I am trying to picture it in my mind. 

The one thing this whole experience is teaching me? Learn to take a small amount of time for yourself. Life is so very precious and I intend on being around for a while.

So today I got up, went to the gym, nothing strenuous just light exercise and then I returned to bed.  I have moved from the bed to the couch.  It has been a day of rest.  I will have a bath and return to the couch.

My appetite is a little off today.  Perhaps because everything tastes like nothing.  I can't tell you if something is nice because I literally have no taste buds.  It is the weirdest thing.  

Hopefully by next week I'll be back to 'normal' and can enjoy that feeling until my next hit. 

On a positive note my hair is growing.  The cold cap is working very well and although the thought of wearing it again is already making me feel nauseous I will persevere.  I could not cope if it all fell out again. 

On another positive 'Clive' I do believe is smaller.  Good riddance. His presence is extremely disturbing!!

Xx