20th July

The devil is winning! 

I finally decided to crop my hair. This will be the last time a hairdresser goes near it. The next cut will be the barbers! If only I could have the Jessie J cut and die it peroxide! And not lose anymore! Maybe I'll be a lucky one.

Day 14 came and went. A little is falling but nothing major. My hairdresser said my root was so strong. (And he knows, his mum had breast cancer). Good old hair. It has always stuck by me. 

I have decided to no longer use the cold cap even though it is clearly working. I feel as if I need to concentrate on my health rather than my hair. 

It's an easy thing for other people to say but for me it is still a constant battle. I cried for the first time last night. I had gone back to work which was lovely but working on my feet 3 days in a row really knocked me for six. I was just feeling really low like I was lost, with no where to go.  I wanted to hide away in my room and fall asleep. Wake up when its all over.   I haven't really cried because I won't allow myself too. Clive does not deserve my tears, my hair however did. I was mourning her loss. 

Clive is ripping away all that is feminine and beautiful. He has no care on how it is affecting me.  He is just laughing. That is why I won't cry.   Tears feed the evil. I won't allow him to win. 

But I eventually wiped my eyes, looked at myself in the mirror and accepted that this is it for the next year. I shook it off and carried on. Sometimes I need a moment to regain my control. 

My emotions are all over the place. It's funny because inside I feel ok, it's the outside that needs help. I can't help it, I'm vain, always have been. I'm a girly girl.  Loosing hair really makes you look at your face. All I can see is my face and my nose!  It's a strange thing to say but when there is no hair to hide behind you are so open. Confidence is needed to really walk tall. I envy those women who shave there heads. It takes pure guts.  Hopefully I will be able to shave it with pride. 

So all I can do now is wait for the inevitable. Perhaps the devil isn't the devil after all but the angel in disguise. Who knows. We'll just have to wait and see. 

This afternoon I'm off to have an MRI scan. Something to do with my liver. Well I mean seriously am I surprised? Since I found out I've been constantly drunk!(not anymore obviously). The results, well that's for another blog. 

Below are pics from before to now.  I, as you all know have cut it in stages. It was easier to deal with.  My bob has been the favourite so far :-)