28th July 2103 2 down 4 to go :-)

Clive won't kill me, this tiredness will! I have never known anything like it before.

My 20 month old nephew has more energy than me. 

Everyone is affected by chemotherapy differently. I am suffering with tiredness and sickness, oh not to mention the glorious heartburn. That's just an added bonus.  I am restless all the time. I sit down for 5 minutes and I am on edge, so I get up and do something and then I need to sit down again because I need a rest. If I were playing musical chairs I'd be winning right now. 

I have the body of a 90 year old and the mind of a 25 year old! All I've wanted to do is sit in the bath! 

Today I do feel better. It has been 4 days since my second dose and I am up and about. I hit the gym this morning. I'm trying to reboot my energy. I have people coming over later so I want to feel fresh and not pass out between my Cous Cous and burgers! 

I am off the second lot of meds. No funny side effects. I'm not seeing ghosts or talking to myself(well no more than usual) and I still do not have the dreaded moon face!! 

I am also taking lifemel honey recommended by a lovely lady Kimberley. It was a steal at £40 for a pot so small I couldn't find it in my cupboard. I take 2 teaspoons twice a day. Yummy. It's supposed to help with my white blood count to get rid of infections. At that price I wanna be running a marathon! 

I may have a glass of cider later. Water is starting to taste like tar. It is not quenching my thirst one bit. I do have coconut water but no one tells you it tastes like urine. Maybe it's just my taste buds though. 

I will get better I know. I just hate feeling like an ill person. 

I am getting used to the new hair. I am putting my wig on and scarves. The wig will be fully ready on Tuesday. 

I am wearing all my Hermes. Trying to co-ordinate my attire, although when they're vintage they pretty much go with anything! 

I used the cold cap again. It was my very witty Dr, Dr Laing. He said that I should preserve my 90's grade 2 hair cut so it'll be easier to grow my hair back when it's all over. I agreed to I will continue to use it. 

Yes I know I look like a total prat, laugh away! But if I get to keep my roots then so be it. Tour de France I'm coming for you!! 

All in all I've realised that things could be worse. A lovely lady sat next to me in the chemo lounge as I like to call it. She was chatting away telling me she was as healthy as ever and she had been struck down with terminal cancer. Her husband was so shocked he passed out in the doctors surgery for 2 1/2 hours. They were so worried about him. She just laughed. 

'Bless men,' she said. 

I wanted to hug her there and then. 

Yes things could be a lot worse. 3 months of tiredness or no life at all. I know which one I choose every time. Life is just too fun to miss. 

Xx 

23rd July 2013

The devil won!! 

Turns out it was the angel in disguise. 

I'd had enough this morning. My hair cropped was fine but it was lifeless. I couldn't style it properly because it kept going limp! 

No body likes limp of any kind!! 

I looked in my shower and all I saw was hair. Hair on my pillow, hair on my sheets, on my floor, in my mouth, on my face, in my food.  Literally everywhere. And because my hair is or was so thick it was double what most people have! 

So off to the barbers I went. 

That is the end result. 

I have to say I feel relieved. I actually don't hate it at all. I feel free, strong, proud that I did it. I have put a Hermes head scarf on. It's lovely and very chic just how I'm trying to look. 

My sister cried! Bless her. I shed a small tear just to say goodbye to an old friend but I felt as if I was only saying goodbye for a while. She will return to me. 

Now I can concentrate on getting well and then my hair will grow back beautiful and thick next year. 

If I can shave my head I can literally do anything. We fear fear itself. Face it head on. You will only find out how strong you really are. I have done just that. 

My 2nd chemotherapy is tomorrow so I will update you all in a couple of days. 

Bye for now

Xx 

20th July

The devil is winning! 

I finally decided to crop my hair. This will be the last time a hairdresser goes near it. The next cut will be the barbers! If only I could have the Jessie J cut and die it peroxide! And not lose anymore! Maybe I'll be a lucky one.

Day 14 came and went. A little is falling but nothing major. My hairdresser said my root was so strong. (And he knows, his mum had breast cancer). Good old hair. It has always stuck by me. 

I have decided to no longer use the cold cap even though it is clearly working. I feel as if I need to concentrate on my health rather than my hair. 

It's an easy thing for other people to say but for me it is still a constant battle. I cried for the first time last night. I had gone back to work which was lovely but working on my feet 3 days in a row really knocked me for six. I was just feeling really low like I was lost, with no where to go.  I wanted to hide away in my room and fall asleep. Wake up when its all over.   I haven't really cried because I won't allow myself too. Clive does not deserve my tears, my hair however did. I was mourning her loss. 

Clive is ripping away all that is feminine and beautiful. He has no care on how it is affecting me.  He is just laughing. That is why I won't cry.   Tears feed the evil. I won't allow him to win. 

But I eventually wiped my eyes, looked at myself in the mirror and accepted that this is it for the next year. I shook it off and carried on. Sometimes I need a moment to regain my control. 

My emotions are all over the place. It's funny because inside I feel ok, it's the outside that needs help. I can't help it, I'm vain, always have been. I'm a girly girl.  Loosing hair really makes you look at your face. All I can see is my face and my nose!  It's a strange thing to say but when there is no hair to hide behind you are so open. Confidence is needed to really walk tall. I envy those women who shave there heads. It takes pure guts.  Hopefully I will be able to shave it with pride. 

So all I can do now is wait for the inevitable. Perhaps the devil isn't the devil after all but the angel in disguise. Who knows. We'll just have to wait and see. 

This afternoon I'm off to have an MRI scan. Something to do with my liver. Well I mean seriously am I surprised? Since I found out I've been constantly drunk!(not anymore obviously). The results, well that's for another blog. 

Below are pics from before to now.  I, as you all know have cut it in stages. It was easier to deal with.  My bob has been the favourite so far :-)  

14th July

So it's been 11 days since chemotherapy. The side effects luckily so far have been minimal. I have had the odd sickness, a slight feeling of giddiness and a bout of being very tired! Apart from that my day to day life has continued as normal although normality is now a rare occurrence. Normality is so boring anyway! 

The real side effect is the hair. I can deal with the sickness, just take a pill. I can deal with the constant need to lie down, just take a nap! But this hair business is another story. 

I wore the cold cap. Fine. No hair has really fallen out yet. I say the word yet loosely as I know when day 14 hits that will be it! They say day 14 hair will start coming out whether I use the cold cap or not. Here's my dilemma. I have a very thick bob. 

Do I leave it, hope for the best, even though it may thin, look scraggly, even a bald patch may appear. Or do I shave it off and be done with it? 

I can hear you all who do not have this problem. Keep the hair Alex, it's only 3 months of longer chemo sessions and you get to look normal! But again what the hell is normal?  For those who used the cold cap the whole way through I know you had this dilemma whether you would care to admit it or not. Or I could be wrong and you girls sailed through it in which case I applaud you.

 Well the reason I'm getting so agitated is because I can only wash it once maybe twice a week. I can not dry it, straighten it, use a product or even a proper hairbrush, so even when clean, my hair looks like a bundle of mess on top of my head.... A mop head if you will. Not a good look!! 

At least if its off I can just get on with it. I'm spending an absolute fortune on my wig (think Kim Zolciak from rhoa) for those who don't know her use google! 

I have Dior, Hermes and many more head scarves at my disposal, why am I not using them? 

Maybe up until now I have loved not looking ill. Although instead of looking ill I look dirty!! Which ones worse? 

It is a constant tug of war. Do I keep wearing the cold cap or not? Everyday my mind changes course. 

The angel and devil sit on my shoulders talking to me. But which ones which? Usually it's the angel we all end up listening too yet it's the angel telling me to keep my hair. The devil is laughing!!  

This time I fear the devil may win! 

Xx 

4th July 2013 1st Chemo down 5 to go...

So it has all started.  My first chemotherapy session had its ups and downs but mainly ups.

I was very nervous but excited to get the treatment started.  I know that sounds weird but when you are living with 'Clive' you just want it rid as quickly as possible.

The rooms are all quite spacious and there are about ten chairs in each room.  5 rooms all together, I was in number 5 sat next to the big pink cold cap machine that was going to be used to preserve my hair!

The first thing the nurse did was place the canular in my left hand into a vein.  Well that made me dizzy and almost sick.  It was probably the hardest part of the whole day!  Anyone that knows me, knows that needles are not the problem, veins are.  I have always had an uncomfortable feeling about veins so that was not easy!!

I waited there with saline dripping into me for another ten minutes and then for the cold cap.  The worst thing about this is what it looks like!!  Imagine a cycle helmet so tight that it screws your face up into a ball.  Not the most attractive i've ever looked!!  It was freezing but doable.  I am almost always hot so having something cold on my head was ok.  I did start to shiver towards the end but after 2 1/2hours of wearing a freezer on your head it's no surprise.

The chemotherapy was not that bad at all.  I am on an infusion of 3 different drugs for the first three sessions.  FEC for short.  Don't even ask me to spell them out one by one, I can't even pronounce them let a lone try and spell!!  FEC is easier, believe me.  The first drug is bright red and I had 4 of these.  The next two were clear so much better.  The nurse had to manually put in the drugs for me to make sure that my drip was working properly. Very successful.  That took 40 minutes, the cap took 3 hours.  A drag really but we'll see how I get on with the cap.  If my hair starts to shred a lot and go thin I may as well cut it off but i'll wait and see.  I don't want to make any crazy decisions just yet.

There was a lady opposite me who had shaved her head completely.  I mean as bald as an arse.  But she pulled it off and I think it gave her more empowerment.  I admire her for not wearing the cold cap but I admire people who do.  It is a funny situation to be in.  On the one hand I want to shave it off, embrace the bald look and wear my fabulous wigs and head scarves.  Be proud that I am a fighter.  On the other hand I do not want to look like a cancer patient.  As soon as that scarf goes on your normality goes out the window.  I am just still debating how brave I really am.  Either way I am staying positive and will make my mind up when I need too.

I have had a few funny side effects but nothing I can't handle.  I felt very sick and tired the day of.  The next day I went to the gym and then went to lego land with my sister and nephew.  Then my girl friends came round in the evening.  I have had very little appetite which is annoying as I have been given steroids and anti sickness drugs to take.

The side effects of these pills are laughable.  They say you may experience depression, a moon face, imagine things that are not there, suicide thoughts, basically go a little crazy!!  Oh good, I thought.  What a wonderful mix of drugs to stop me from being sick!!  I haven't had any of these yet but watch out!!

I finally washed my hair this morning after 48hrs of conditioner and ice on my head.  I feel human again.  I still feel a little nauseous but I am drinking plenty of water and managed some porridge too.  I'll take each day as it comes but right now I feel ok.  Hopefully the next one will be just as easy as this one!!  Here's hoping.

The whole experience so far is quite numbing and very surreal.  I never in a million years thought I would be going through this and as I sat in my chair reading my book and watching all the people fight I thought wow, what a world we live in.  All these brave people fighting this disease with their heads held high.  And I am now one of them.  Courage comes in all shapes and sizes and from my first treatment it has already taught me that we are all stronger than we think.

It is simply extraordinary.