Monday, 3 February 2014

3rd February 2014….its been a long journey but its finally come to an end(almost)

Pure shores by All Saints was playing in the background of my very last radiotherapy session today.  The words themselves meant very little to me but it reminded me of a line Leo's character uses during the scene where he is running from his demons…hallucinating

"I had nothing left to offer but pure reflex, pure reflex and mankind's basic drive for survival that somehow shouts I WILL NOT DIE TODAY"

I always remembered that end quote and it has stuck with me all the way through this journey.

Nine months ago when they told me I had breast cancer was the hardest and most frightening sentence I had ever heard.  It feels like it was ages ago yet I can still remember that exact day, the weather, the smells, what I wore and how I felt.  That day will stay with me for the rest of my life.  Part of me wants it gone, erased never to be talked of again but the other part of me wants to remember.  I want to remember because I need to.  I am now on my way to being a survivor.  I am no longer Alex the cancer patient.  It feels really good.  I feel really good.  I feel relieved that I can look towards the future and really plan for the year ahead.

I have another appointment with my oncologist Dr Laing in about six weeks to give me the final results from my scans ect but as far as I am concerned I am all clear.  A mammogram in May will tell me for sure but I have to believe that I am well on the way to 100% health.

I will never take my health for granted.  To wake up each morning and to be alive (sorry for the cliche) is out of this world and I intend on really living.  I'm not talking about jumping off a cliff or taking a year off to find myself in India(although that would be nice) but merely to not be afraid of failure.  I will take more opportunities and not be afraid to take a risk.  Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.

I have already got two holidays planned, a couple of big birthdays and I am moving in with my good friend, oh and I am going back to work next week.  My charity will be up and running this year and so another ball will be arranged too.  Lots to do and I can't wait to start.

I hope those who have read this blog and kept up to date with my treatments all the way through have maybe become a little braver and stronger?  And to not fear if you find a lump.  It can be treated just don't ignore it, they don't go away!!

I will be continuing my blog for the foreseeable future as I will still have follow up appointments throughout the year.  They still want to keep a close eye on me due to the fact that I am on my hormone drug Herceptin but I am happy for them to be there.  Letting me out into the wild is a little scary but I know I will be alright.  Sometimes you have to just let go and see what happens. 

And of course I will keep a hair blog.  This is more for me to see how quickly my hair has grown and more to the point how hair can change you as a person!  It is really quite extraordinary. 

Right now at this very moment I feel relieved, happy, nervous, sad and extremely tired.  I don't think it will really hit me, not for a while yet and when it does I will let you all know.  Hopefully it won't hit me too hard.  The tears will come, they have already and they will continue for a while, in a good way obviously!

I think my holiday in March will be my life saver.


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