Monday, 28 October 2013

28th October 2013

I'm starting to resemble Peter Pan!!

My hair is growing upwards.  Oh and its very fluffy.  It is thick at the back and at the crown but slightly thin at the front.  Before too long it will be a mullet.  I am not sure how I feel about this.

I have ditched the scarves.  They were my comfort blanket.  I liked that I could hide this awful mousy brown/grey thing on top of my head.  Now I have no excuse.  Chemo is over and there are women out there who are brave enough to embrace their hair cuts, some shorter than mine.  At some point I knew that I would have to take a breath and realise that this is me.....take it or leave it.

The hair envy is still there but now I am trying to channel Natalie Portman after her film V for Vendetta.  No, I know I look nothing like her but I am trying to pretend.  Fantasy is so much better than reality wouldn't you agree?

My sleep pattern is slightly better than before.  Like you all know I had 3 nights where I literally did not sleep.  It was horrendous.  I tried everything to sleep.  I drunk camomile tea, I read a book, I counted sheep (never quite understood that) and yet nothing worked.  I eventually went to stay with my mother by the coast and she tried everything too.  Luckily a change of scenery was what I needed and I am getting at least 5 hours sleep.  It is not a lot for me, (I like 8 hours) but it is enough for me to try and function as a human rather than a zombie.  My skin is resembling a healthier glow with the help of a spray tan.  Not so grey, but more of an orange tint.  It really is better!!

So last time I wrote I was also a little lost.  A little stuck at the crossroads of the yellow brick road.  I still am to a point but I am starting to stop worrying so much about the little things.  I will find my way I always do in the end.  Sometimes when you stop searching and worrying you find that life just happens.

One thing I have realised throughout all this is that I want more stability in life.  Weird to some but for me, I want to invest in my future.  I have been house hunting and found the perfect place.  It is not in Weybridge but nearer to my mother in Emsworth.  I am still near to my friends, (50 minutes away is not far)  yet property is so much cheaper down here.  When I am fully recovered and have been given the all clear my life can begin again. 

As for my emotions.  I sat in my bed on one of the nights that I could not sleep and I cried.  No I sobbed.  My tears just fell onto the duvet.  Onto my skin.  I could feel them and no quicker was I wiping them dry were they returning.  It is a very hard, very long journey and when I figure it out in my own head you guys will be the first to know.

Until then, know this.  Life is not as bad as it could be.   I may have hit a stop sign down the yellow brick road but I think I know what path I want to take.  If the witch gets me so be it.  If I can deal with Clive I can deal with her, whatever and whoever she or it shall be.



  1. You won't believe me but I think you look beautiful. Short hair suits you and that colour is lovely so keep smiling. My beautiful auntie Laura has had her chemo and now faces radiotherapy but she is bravely battling on with all of us behind her xxx

    1. Ah thank you, I guess for me it is such a different look, i have to get used to it and almost mould myself to become a person with short hair!!
      I send you all my love to your auntie Laura and hope that all her treatment has gone and will continue to go well xx


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