There are always nerves when you have an appointment to see the doctor. The what if's return in great force.
I can't help it, there they are! Staring at me in black and white flashing back and forth in my mind. Being positive is great, and I have been through out all of this, but at some point there have to be questions. If there were no what if's and something awful happened I would be devastated. As they say when you are on top you have further to fall. So I always keep in mind that not everything will go according to plan.
That being said, so far everything has gone EXACTLY how I wanted it too. I have been very pleased with everything. At the start of this cruel and daunting journey I placed in my diary the dates in which I thought everything would happen. So far I have been right on schedule.
So the Monday just gone I had the first ultrasound appointment since they inserted the coil. My hopes were that Clive had shrunk. I did not know exactly how much he would have but my hopes were a lot.
Like I had said previously I could tell that he was disappearing but you never quite know. Sometimes I wondered if I had felt it too much that I was imagining it shrinking!
My fear that the chemo had not been working as well as hoped was playing on my mind and I would have been told that I would need some more.
Luckily for me, that is far from the case. Clive has shrunk to a quarter of the size and my lymph nodes are almost completely clear. I cried. The relief is so overwhelming that all I could do was let out some much needed release.
Tears of happiness that next week it will be the last chemotherapy session and I will look forward to the next stage.
I met with my surgeon on the Wednesday just gone. She is a lovely lady named Isabelle Karat. She explained the procedure to me and the risks involved. There are down sides obviously in which I never really thought about.
As I am having a lumpectomy or breast preserving surgery as 'they' like to call it my right breast will always look slightly different to my left. It will sink slightly, possibly to half a cup size smaller. Oh good was my first thought. She explained that I could wear prosthetics in my bras. The sadness set in.
All my life I have had certain insecurities like all women. It took me 30 years to finally be happy with the person I have become. Before Clive I can honestly say that I felt the best I had ever felt. Then he came along and screwed it all up. It is like he knew. He sensed my happiness and came to rip it apart.
To my mothers horror and embarrassment I then asked the next question.
Can I have a breast enlargement when this is all over?
Yes was the answer, thank god. Luckily the surgeon was not shocked by this question and reassured me that lots of women have this procedure after a lumpectomy. My surgeon can do the operation in around two years when I am completely healed.
To some this may sound like a ridiculous question but to me, anything to make this all seem like a bad dream is worth it. I am not talking Jordan style breasts, just even ones would be nice!
The problem we all have is that Clive rips apart all that is feminine and pure. Our hair, our nails, our eyelashes and then our breasts. Everything that makes us women he takes away. Like I said I want it back and I will grab it with both hands.
My appointment to get rid of Clive is the 18th November. The exact date I had in my head at the beginning of all this.
The strange thing about all this is knowing that there is an end date in sight. It feels like forever ago I was diagnosed yet only yesterday that I started treatment. I suppose when you are engrossed in it, time always moves faster than expected. Carrying on as if it were not there has been a life saver for me.
The what if's will still be around, for my surgery and radiotherapy. In fact they will be there for the rest of my life. There is no getting away from them. The haunting feelings will follow me around. But I guess taking it one day at time is all I can do and have ever done. The future is for now, completely unknown.
xx
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