Sunday, 30 June 2013

30th June 2013

Today was the last day that it was normal.  Today was the last day I'd feel completely myself.  Tomorrow everything changes.

At 2.00pm I have an appointment with the nurses at St Lukes  to discuss my treatment, cold cap, injections, and any other questions I have.  Tomorrow it all begins.

In the last 5 days I have had a coil placed in my tumour, this is to monitor where it is.  With chemotherapy it will shrink (fingers crossed) and they need a marker to know where it was.

I have had a blood test.  All bloods came back clear, a very good sign.   I have had another mammogram.  That is so painful.  They literally squash your boobs in a machine and take a picture if it.  Not the most interesting day out I've had!

I have had my hair cut into a very short bob.  I was not ready for a crop.   I thought I would be but when I spoke with my hairdresser he said that it would be easier to do it in stages.  I agreed.  The next chop is in exactly one month.  Although I have decided to try the cold cap I will still have my hair cropped. It is only for my own control.

I have had a tooth pulled out....ouch!!!  That maybe more distressing than the chemo!!!!

I have had my acrylic nails taken off.  My real nails are so weak I am breaking them at every turn.

I have had my eyebrows tattooed on.  They now look very prominent.  All you can see is eyebrow almost like a person who has drawn them on badly, but the beautician did reassure me that they will fade.

I had a phone call from an old friend yesterday.  One of the first boys I truly cared about.  He went off and became someone quite special and married very well, but he has always remembered me.  It touched me, and made me feel even more confident that I must fight.

So I am indeed ready.  There is nothing left to say, speak, discuss, alter.  This is happening whether I want it to or not.  I have a massive fear that it has spread.  I know deep down in my soul that it hasn't but I still can't get it out of my mind.  I guess it is a fear all Clive patients have.  I wish I could delete it from my mind.  The fear of dying has become too relevant.  My strength is unbelievable but there is still that anxious feeling that won't budge.  I am having a bone scan and a CT scan on the 8th July.  I will keep you all posted.

My chemotherapy starts at 9.00am on Wednesday 3rd July.  I am weirdly excited by this.  Finally Clive can be evaporated from my life.  Finally I can see an end date.  I met my surgeon too, a lovely lady who made it very clear that my lumpectomy will not alter my appearance. 

She did say to me that they will do a gene test to determine whether it is a faulty gene and a one off or whether it is in my family.  Fingers crossed it is a faulty gene.  There is a 94% chance of it never coming back once cured!!!!  I need some good luck.

My friends are organising a charity event.  I will not talk about this yet, not until it has been fully discussed. They'll only shout at me and I can't be dealing with pissing them off!

If someone asked me how I am feeling right at this very moment I would not be able to answer for that is an impossible question.  I am numb, irrelevant, weak, strong, confident, scared. Every emotion you could possibly imagine I am feeling.  I am forever telling people that I am 'fine'.  I have no idea what fine means anymore.  All I know is that I want it to start.  I want to wave good bye to Clive.  Evaporate him from my very existence, pretend that this is an extremely bad dream, if that is at all possible.  I want to be able to talk about some thing other than him, yet he is like a giant purple elephant in the room.  I need to talk about him and other people need to discuss him to understand him.

God, Clive you are a pain in my arse!

So the countdown begins.

As long as my blood count stays normal I will be close to laughing in his face by October.   Good riddance I say,  this pest is doing nothing for me or my boobs!!  Any man who thinks that fiddling with them is a good idea, please think twice but if you do just be aware...;-)


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