23rd January 2014 A hair update

Tonight I thought I would give my readers an update on the hair front.  To most of you this may seem like a stupid and pointless blog but to those of you who are about to embark on this cruel journey or for those of you who have finished chemo and are staring at your reflection waiting to see the first signs of hair, this is for you.

I have openly googled the next phrase over and over.

"Hair growth after chemo" and "how long does it take to grow out a pixie crop"

My impatience is costuming me and I am constantly wondering if my hair has grown at all over night.  I have shamelessly measured my hair with a ruler!  It is about 2 1/2 inches now.  In my head I thought it was at least 4!!  The disappointment was crushing.

I do now have an actual crop, it is no longer chemo hair.  But now I know why my hairdresser always insisted that I never have short hair.  Because it is so thick that it has started to grow outwards.  It is also very dry and a little course.  Lovely.  I am very much looking forward to the awkward mullet/bowl cut phase.

I would like to state that I do not hate cropped hair, in fact on certain people I think that they suit shorter hair like Frankie from the sats or Ginnifer Goodwin.  Even Posh spice I have to admit that her hair in a crop personally for me looked better.  But for me I just want my bob back.  I have dreams that I have the length again and i'm so happy!  If I had chosen to have this style of course I would like it but having to be forced to have a style that I would never have normally chosen is causing havoc with my confidence and it is not helping me find myself again.

I am still so confused about who I am and as I try and figure it out a little bit more coverage would be nice.  There are only so many accessories I can place in the hair to make it look 'pretty'.

But on the plus side and as you know I do love a positive, is that hair does grow quickly.  I am impatient yes but it amazes me when I look back at pictures just how far I have come.  So for those of you ready to google, do not fear, I am ready to help and I will keep the blog updated on hair growth this coming year to show you all how I will eventually turn my skin head into a beautiful blonde bob.

So I have put together a few pictures for you all to look at and see how quickly (although it feels like an eternity) hair actually grows.

July 2013

October 2013

November 2013

December 2013

January 2014

So there you have it.... The story so far. Like I said I will keep a photo diary and keep you all posted on the state of the hair.  Blogs like this have really helped me and so I hope that this will help those of you desperate for your identity back because I think that is the main dilemma.  Not having your identity back even though treatment may be over.

Hair growth everywhere else is completely back to normal.  The lashes are long again although a little wispy but I think once the slightly crooked ones fall out the rest will grow through.

It's funny really but hair grows at such rapid rate when you are not paying attention.  One day I woke up and literally had eyelashes again.  I wish I could switch off on the hair on the head front but I guess it is human nature to worry and to think. Like watching paint dry, its boring and frustrating. I will never be able to change it but recording the process is also fun.  This time next year I will say wow look how far I have come. (Here's hoping)

xx

17th January 2013 only 2 weeks to go

Anyone who has been through or going through cancer will or should understand this next sentence. 

In the beginning cancer is easier. I'm not saying you sail through the beginning of diagnosis but you feel safe and looked after. There are doctors, nurses, oncologists waiting to help you. They are at the end of the phone literally. 

Whilst going through treatment it's almost like a safety net. 

Then it stops. 

I am starting to feel anxious. It's stupid and maybe a little pathetic but I've only got two weeks of treatment left. 

In two weeks they will send me on my way with a leaflet and a number to help me if I can't cope. It's very daunting. 

I am at the same time so excited to get back to normal. To be me again. To not say to people 'I'm going through cancer treatment' but to say 'I beat cancer'. 

It's all just very surreal and my heart is filled with mixed emotions. Even when I tell myself I've beaten it, do I really believe it? Do I honestly believe that there isn't even the slightest chance that it could come back? 

The emotions are too intense to understand. I don't want to tempt fate by saying I'm ok. Yet it's ridiculous not to say it. 

How do I feel? I feel everything right now. My emotions are on the highest volume. I cry at night and then I smile. I get butterflies for no reason and anxiety just sitting at home. 

Cancer was funny in the beginning. Now it's just confusing. Clive left the building two months ago and yet he still taunts me. 

I guess this is all just a learning curve. One day I will understand all this, but for now I will just have to accept that this is all part of the journey. 

No one said it would be easy. In fact no one ever really knew what to say. 

I don't think anyone ever will. Saying that this time next week I may be jumping for joy! I'm a little nuts right now!

Xx 

9th January 2014……One week of radiotherapy down

'You cannot choose how you die but you can choose how you live, so live life with no regrets.'

I heard that from a television show today.  

Everyday I am lying on a hard metal bed with a huge machine above my head.  I am naked from the waste up and I have two people both men and women drawing dots all over my chest whilst I lie there vulnerable, lonely and frightened.  My life is once again in someone else's hands.

I was staring at the ceiling today blocking out the various numbers that the radiographers are shouting to each other and Florence and the Machine played on the radio.

'And i'm damned if I do and i'm damned if I don't,

So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road,

And i'm ready to suffer and i'm ready to hope,

It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat

Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Looking for heaven found the devil in me

Well what the hell i'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out

Shake it out shake it out

And it's hard to dance with the devil on your back 

So shake him off'

That verse stuck in my head.  I heard this song go round and round in my head.  Do not ask me why the words struck a chord they just did.  I guess I am dancing with the devil on my back.  Maybe I was just reading into something.  Who knows, but music at the right time or a certain place can be very nostalgic and very surreal.  In that moment I got caught up with words and my emotion at that exact time. 

Radiotherapy is actually very easy.  I go into hospital every day, undress and lie flat on my back.  The machine does its job and then I leave.  There are no side effects, no drugs, just radiation which is slowly sunburning my breast.  These machines are my god and I have to trust them with my life.

I have three more weeks of radiotherapy.  I go home every night and undress for a shower and I look in the mirror.  I  look like a dot to dot puzzle.  I smile then I nod to myself and carry on.  There are no words with this treatment.  This is the weirdest treatment as you literally cannot feel the effects.  Sometimes I wish I could just so I knew something good was happening.  Why is it I need to feel pain to think something is working?

Tomorrow when I go in and see them they will all laugh.  I had a spray tan but I wore a crop top.  I wasn't going to say anything to them but I have realised that a massive white patch across my chest is a giveaway!  Anything to make me feel better though cannot be a bad thing?  I may get told off.  I will let you know.

I do feel sad when I go to the hospital everyday and I cannot put my finger on why.  Maybe it is the fear that one day I may have to do this all again.  Maybe because I look around at all the people having treatment and it scares me to think how many people are actually ill.  Everyone has a story.  I get a lot of looks being young.  The average age at the hospital for radiotherapy at the moment is 60.  I can tell they are wondering what my story is.  I guess a part of me is wondering what there story is.

My biggest fear is what happens when it is all over?  Am I really going to be able to just get back on the train of life and carry on.  I do hope so but as the end is becoming increasingly near I am starting to panic.  At the beginning I was ok.  I was positive and I had seven months of getting better to focus on.  

I am just not sure, at the moment how I will ever really switch off from all this.  Will I ever really be able to forget the last year of my life?  Do I even want too?

Maybe that is why those words from that television show made me think.  I cannot choose how I die, cancer has proved that.  It was a warning.  So I guess I choose life.  There is really is no other answer.

xx

1st January 2014 Happy New Year

Lao Tzu wrote, 'When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.'

That quote has never rung so true as it has done today.  I am ready to let her go.  The old me, the girl I once was.  I am ready to embrace the new girl, who ever she may be.

I still catch a glimpse of myself and have no idea who she is.  I thought I would by now but it is taking longer than I expected but I now realise that I have no choice.  She is me, my reflection starring back at me.  I could hide away, for some days I feel like I should but then I remember that Clive has already taken so much and I will not let him take her as well.

Today is the start of a brand new book. You just need to know where to start your story.

I think a part of me was just waiting for 2013 to be over.  When the clock struck midnight I felt relieved.  I felt a sense of freedom.  I felt my eyes start to water but I did not shed a tear.  There would have been no point in crying.  All I knew in that moment was that I am ready to face this year head on and embrace everything,  good and bad.

I think for a lot of us 2013 was a learning curve.  It taught many, that strength is within all of us no matter the situation.  It is our own determination to fight head on that makes us the people we are.

I am proud of who I am and I cannot wait to start living.  I have a good feeling about this year but I have said that already.  Maybe it is because I have been given a second chance. Once in a blue moon I get a flutter in my stomach at the start of a year.  This is one of those times.

Tomorrow I start my last course of treatment. Tomorrow they will start to zap any last remaining pieces of Clive that may be lingering around. I'm looking forward to it. 

Since the 18th November when I had my operation I have had no further treatments and I have felt lost in limbo.
I am not fully healed even though I know deep down I feel that I am. Radiotherapy is the last stop on the journey before I can truly shout from the roof tops that it is over.

Everything about me has healed.  My hair, my nails, eyelashes, eyebrows, it has all come back at full speed.  My energy is where it once was and I am sleeping so much better again.  Maybe because I have been at a stand still for six weeks that I have gotten used to just being normal again and had forgotten that there was more still to come.

I have no idea what to expect with radiotherapy.  I have been told numerous things but with all the treatments I guess I have to just see what happens and deal with whatever it throws at me.  Although I have a feeling this is just gong to be boring and I will get impatient throughout.  But only because I want it all to be over.

My three weekly injections for herceptin will remain as will my tamoxifen and that will always be a reminder but I have come to get used to these two things.  Herceptin is very easy and I know it is doing me good, as for the tamoxifen, well so far so good.  Keep praying for me that it stays that way!

So for the next four weeks I will be in hospital everyday being zapped.  (I'm sure there is a more technical term but I don't know what to call it.)

I don't mind.  January is such a dull month so this will make it go quicker.

I will keep you updated as to how treatment goes.  I am sure it will be fine.

Until then happy new year.  Lets make it a good one.
xx