Wednesday, 12 November 2014

A Year and a half On....a little update

I remember switching off from my blog in April and thinking that it would be my last post.  However I felt that after a year and a half since my diagnosis I would give you all a little update into my progress, my state of mind and my general health.  (For those of you who care anyway!)

There have always been opportunities for me to log back on to my computer and tell you all how I am feeling, a year from first diagnosis, a year since my last chemo and so on.  But I never quite managed to find the energy to update you all. For it occurred to me that for the rest of my life those dates will be embedded into my brain and I will never be able to forget, much like the birth of someone or sadly the death of someone.  Those dates will never be forgotten.  What is the point of remembering them all, life does go on for most.

Today was different.  Today I went back to Frimley park, where it all began to see my oncologist.  I sat in that waiting room anxious, excited and nervous. Seeing my Dr again at that hospital made me feel uneasy yet happy all at the same time.

He had my life once again in his hands.  My mammogram results had come back, clear.  He felt my breast again and under my armpits and felt nothing.  I was free to go until next year.  I started to cry.  It was a strange feeling to be told that everything was alright.  18 months is a long time to be ill, I almost still feel like I am and I have to remind myself that I am no longer a cancer patient but a cancer survivor?  I hate that phrase, survivor.  It's a silly term when so many are not, more so than I dare to think about.  I am not a survivor I am just me, I am back to being Alex again, but with much thicker hair!!!  Anyway does anyone really ever survive cancer?  It will always be a part of me, Clive for all his sins will never quite leave me, he will however fade into the distance and leave me in peace,  for now at least.

I still take my tamoxifen once a day.  It has become generic.  I never forget to take that white little pill.  The damn thing is playing havoc with my weight!  I have put on a stone.  But as my work colleagues said, if this is as fat as I am going to get then I'm ok!!  Nicely put.

So since I 'got better'  I am back to full fitness, my hair has grown so much it is beginning to rememble an afro.  Honestly I never thought my hair could get any thicker.  My eyelashes grew back, fell out, grew back, fell out and now they have finally grown back and are staying put, for now anyway!

I moved house, went to America for what can only be described as my best holiday ever and I have got a promotion at work. I have a new nephew, Zander and my other nephew Bastiaan may possibly be the most beautiful boy ever. The charity is coming a long nicely with a little help from some very special people and I am already planning next years adventures.  Nothing can stop me from making the most out of life.

18 months has flown by.  I wonder where the time went.  I am often asked how I am feeling about the last year.  That, I can not answer and I feel I never will.  When you have gone through something like this I don't ever think there is a specific answer.  Happiness is something I,  like so many others crave, but summing up happiness can be hard.  It is a very misunderstood word sometimes.  I realized a long time ago that I always had it, I was always happy and at this very second sitting in my home I am also very content.  I still have no man but he will come,  he may not be on a white horse but he's on his way.   For now I have my health, my friends and my family and that is happiness in its self.

Bring on 2015, I have a feeling I am going to be far too busy to think about Clive.

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