Wednesday, 1 January 2014

1st January 2014 Happy New Year

Lao Tzu wrote, 'When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.'

That quote has never rung so true as it has done today.  I am ready to let her go.  The old me, the girl I once was.  I am ready to embrace the new girl, who ever she may be.

I still catch a glimpse of myself and have no idea who she is.  I thought I would by now but it is taking longer than I expected but I now realise that I have no choice.  She is me, my reflection starring back at me.  I could hide away, for some days I feel like I should but then I remember that Clive has already taken so much and I will not let him take her as well.

Today is the start of a brand new book. You just need to know where to start your story.

I think a part of me was just waiting for 2013 to be over.  When the clock struck midnight I felt relieved.  I felt a sense of freedom.  I felt my eyes start to water but I did not shed a tear.  There would have been no point in crying.  All I knew in that moment was that I am ready to face this year head on and embrace everything,  good and bad.

I think for a lot of us 2013 was a learning curve.  It taught many, that strength is within all of us no matter the situation.  It is our own determination to fight head on that makes us the people we are.

I am proud of who I am and I cannot wait to start living.  I have a good feeling about this year but I have said that already.  Maybe it is because I have been given a second chance. Once in a blue moon I get a flutter in my stomach at the start of a year.  This is one of those times.

Tomorrow I start my last course of treatment. Tomorrow they will start to zap any last remaining pieces of Clive that may be lingering around. I'm looking forward to it. 

Since the 18th November when I had my operation I have had no further treatments and I have felt lost in limbo.
I am not fully healed even though I know deep down I feel that I am. Radiotherapy is the last stop on the journey before I can truly shout from the roof tops that it is over.

Everything about me has healed.  My hair, my nails, eyelashes, eyebrows, it has all come back at full speed.  My energy is where it once was and I am sleeping so much better again.  Maybe because I have been at a stand still for six weeks that I have gotten used to just being normal again and had forgotten that there was more still to come.

I have no idea what to expect with radiotherapy.  I have been told numerous things but with all the treatments I guess I have to just see what happens and deal with whatever it throws at me.  Although I have a feeling this is just gong to be boring and I will get impatient throughout.  But only because I want it all to be over.

My three weekly injections for herceptin will remain as will my tamoxifen and that will always be a reminder but I have come to get used to these two things.  Herceptin is very easy and I know it is doing me good, as for the tamoxifen, well so far so good.  Keep praying for me that it stays that way!

So for the next four weeks I will be in hospital everyday being zapped.  (I'm sure there is a more technical term but I don't know what to call it.)

I don't mind.  January is such a dull month so this will make it go quicker.

I will keep you updated as to how treatment goes.  I am sure it will be fine.

Until then happy new year.  Lets make it a good one.

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